..An end to begin..

Amma what will I do when I grow up ?”asked little Velayudhan ,with the most doubtful face he could put on .It was a queer question as his profession had been decided even before he was born .Our family line as far as I could remember have always lived on and by the sea .We bathed in his waters ,lived on his gifts and worshipped him. “Vellu ,you will grow up to like your father.My distinct vagueness was enough to bring a smile of pride and confidence on the boy’s face .His only response of gratitude was a great hug ,before he rushed to the sea to wait for his father and to play along the beach .

The first rays of the day were slowly creping up in their battle against the prevailing stars and the palm leaves illumined in the clashes of the divinities. The birds had all come out from their inland abode. the men had all set away towards the horizon in their catamarans with their nets, and equipments.the children would wake up at any moment .

i proceeded towards our rustic chulha to prepare the breakfast .”Amma!!”,Vellayudhan shouted out for me ..he was upright on the bed ,gasping for breath ,sweating with fear –“What is it Vellu? What did you see ?”,I asked caressing his little head.”Don’t worry ,Vellu I’m here.” “Amma ,I’m afraid .I was throwing stones into the sea when the sea God appeared in front of me.He was angry and slapped me .he said if I threw any more at him he would throw back everything at me.He pulled us all into the water and forced me under one of our boats and ...”
I was amazed at the things he always came up in his mind ,he had always been afraid of the water and the sea though destiny demanded his bonding to the dark waters …
”Vellu ,my son ,the sea is our God and he has always helped us .he has given us a house,little Meenu ,food to eat and even toys to play with .why do you fear him so much .He would never hurt us .If he ever took anything from us it would b e to remind us that everything that we have is his gift and he can take them away whenever he likes .Now ,Vellu ,its late ..Appa has already left ,get up from bed and get ready for breakfast . ”
Little Meera was asleep with the least discomfort. the day would proceed as routine, I believed.Vellu had run way to the sea ,quite early to verify for himself if the sea really was good or bad .

It was a queer thing for Vellu to dream about, I thought .Looking through the holes of our plaited palm leaf walls,I hoped to see Vellu at the beach .He was there playing in the sand with his friends .His happiness near the sea now was a stark contrast to his earlier fear..
Everything was so beautiful,the children ,the deep waters, the sky and all.But there was something missing ..the sea was so still, it seemed dead and deserted, there were no undulations on its surface , no seagulls flying about ,..a smoothness that was frightening –and Oh God ! the horizon was rising ..There was something coming towards us and I knew it wasn’t good .i was frightened ;Fear,desperation and anxiety was all I sensed . leaving all and fetching Meera ,I ran towards Velllu.”Vellu ,come back .Run away from the sea.”I ran towards the water and then along the waters edge towards Vellu .The fear on my face , had only inspired doubt in his mind . He stared back at the sea in amazement and stood anchored to the sand .

I knew I was late .I stopped to gasp for breath ..The sea was rising to heights I had never imagined .it was either Meera or Vellu ,I had to save one. I turned about and ran inlands. .far towards the palm grove I could see Lakshmi with her children. The4 whole dcommunity had emptied out onto the beach. everyone ran ,either away or towards the sea…despperae for life ,of theirs and of their siblings.most of the children had been gathered away from the beach among the groves ,Vellu stood on on the beach ,I was helpless .dear Lord , I pray ,spare my children ..the moment had come..

The mountainous wall of foaming water and black armour collapsed heavily upon the earth .The impulse uprooting everything that sought anchorage upon it .the water hissed and gurgled death and defeat as it engulfed ,lifted and smothered every morsel of life it could grasp.
The impulse of the water was beyond any pain I had ever succumbed to .i feared ,the shock and the impulse had forced the breath out of Meera . I held her close to my breast lest she lose the courage to return back , she was mine and I wasn’t going to part .teh dark water refused to let us feel anything but the little flow of life within us .my senses were locked to my thoughts alone. Velllu had to be saved .The fiery water was descending and the wave had receded. Vellu was struggling for breath and was just a hand stretch away .”Vellu, Amma is here ,come hear ..Veellluu!!”The flow was determined to part us ,I persisted . I could only barely snatch hold of Vellu and support him at the base of the palm leaves. Suddenly the second wave forced itself upon us .my hand still clung toVellu.the water forced me away even before I knew what I had happened. I could just glimpse at Vellu crush against the palm before i was sucked down into the fuming black soggy fluid ,smothered under her weight and opacity .

The golden orb ,the only witness to whom we could complain began to descend in grief and shame. Here lay along the beach sands and the soggy earth ,hundreds deprived of their identity ,their livelihood and their hope to live .The sea had mocked all with death and now , even forced the living to pray for death .We lay partly buried in the debri of our homes and The living scavenged among the dead searching for the slightest hint of their relation or someone familiar who deserved a decent last rite .The land was clueless to where someone had earlier habitated .
As the sun set ,I saw Vellu still held to the palm. The beach was regaining life after the transient passage to the domains of death .the little life that prevailed slowly throbbed into existence within the grounded and injured .As the living rose from among the dead ,I shouted out.”Vellu ,I’m here .somebody ,anybody help him” .No one cared to hear. A little while later , I saw a youth help him down.

Vellu,was alive and I was pleased .Meera cuddled on to my breast as Vellu got up to search for us .”Appa,Amma ,where are you?”..I could see him move over all the bodies that lay ,tears dripping at the sight of all we knew .Men,children ,fishes and debri all lay scattered on the sand ,the stench of death piercing the soul greater than the hope of life.
At nightfall ,when the housed went for shelter and the grieved sought solace ,Vellu went towards the beach with a lighted candle and a heavy heart .The candle light being his only source of light ansd hope. Tears dripped to let the grief flow to its source as he listened to the silence among the dead. The waves sang against the beach ,trying to soothe the grief that it had conceived. the and wrote along the beach sand . my son,who feared the waters and hid from it ws drawn to it as ever before. i was touched ,death had come so close that there was nothing else to fear.I smiled and blessed the living ensemble of my blood and my love for he wrote:

Dear sea , ,you have taken from me everyone I cared for –little meera,amma and Appa. They prayed to you and you took them away with you .let me be worth your love dear father...please take me as your son .Let me learn at your feet.

... the love I harbour

Nature bloomed with her finest attire ,
The trees ,flowers birds and bees
Danced to embellish her desire
For this was a day when spring
Was to rise for a lonely heart
Lost amidst his youthful art.

Nature was the graceful and serene ,
But feminine was her elegance and subtle charm
I remember the day ..- i know not –
For the beauty that I beheld or
The grace that she bestowed .

Midday an hour of lethargy n gloom,
Got knocked into excitement and lively bloom,
As her grace swayed into the greens ,
Followed by her siblings and my friend indeed.

A thread of recognition and understanding ,
Bound the lass to my sis
As we muddleheaded youth played the animal ,
Teasing and jeering,mauling and joking.

An hour passed and by then
Tears welled up in the wounded lass
Was she the victim of another’s ignorance
Or were the words true
But against her beliefs
However lunch was served to be had as a family ,
The reunion cheered and spared the tears
For a smile cracked between those delicate lips.

I felt hurt ,for here was the guilty who
Turned the pink and the blooming
Into a dark rosy shade.
Grief forced out pearl drops of tears ,
To lighten and smudge the darkness of her cheeks.

And now her smile sparked
A lightning of joy within ,
For I felt forgiven and given a chance

To prove that I had a heart
A heart warm and pure,besides
The animal that raged a while ago.

Time passed on till she was’bout to depart
All the while we stayed indifferent domains
With neither straying into the others’.
She was alone in the garden with
only a butterfly as a companion.
I took my chance....
I plucked the nearest rose
Scratching a finger on its thorns ,but I cared not
For the bleeding of my hand as for that of my heart.

I sat beside her , stared deep into her eyes
And took her delicate pink fingers into my coarse hands
Placed the rose into her palm ,closing gradually her fingers oer them

I pressed my palms against hers
for a moment of silent communion ...

I knew she had heard ...
.... my thought ‘n my feelings

For she blushed her cheeks to redness !
I smiled at the warmth of the moment

And eyelids closed down on the eyes..

To harbor that moment at every breath ...

Shadow of Self

As the last rays of a wonderful day slowly shied away below the horizon ,the darkness approached to override the kingdom ,armed and decorated with a cloak of sodden and thundering clouds blowing the war cry of an advancing monsoon.the creatures of a season spurred to a new life by the scent of nature’s elixir and sang in praise of a darkness that pleased beyond what the light could ever do .life and love erupted from every niche of the field and I knew it had to be today and it had been long since due.

The ancestral home at the side of the temple .A neighbourheed scented with the spirit of peace and mutual dependence .Time had flowed and a lot had changed. Circumstances had touched our lives –too deeply to make life a struggle .it hurt more when I realized I might have been the cause of this change.

There she was ,as usual, welcoming the hours after dusk in solitude with a a butrning candle and a prayer – a prayer for the truth and for a moment of solace. She knelt on the floor facing the flame staring hard searching deep within and absorbed with what destingy had let her suffer. Her grief ,her sorrow and her pain had drenched the love for life from her, and ever since that event it dripped away into nothingness. She was losing something that I once harboured but lost out to the pangs of misery. I had been in hiding with the guilt ever building ,but I could bear it no more ..her prayers had to be answered.

The flame of solace, atop the steady wick ,danced the tandvana ,encasing the panoply of thoughts in an unforgiving stagnance .the mind was focused and I moved in .The gold evolved into a dazzling whiteness ..from a specfk to a splendid inferno burning into a hurt consciousness. The light blinded ,dazzled and exploded in unison with the lightning outside –she fell upon her knees. I knew she had transited.

The moment couldn’t have been worse than this . hostel life, moments during the final schooling years , I hate to recollect ..pangs of discontent that bit into my being scarring the person I knew before and whom I cant’ recognize any longer. My existence was broken ..living lives in two worlds ,the link between ever narrowing to a void .And now I was even more conscious of the inevitable.

I stayed both away from and near my family in space, time and in thoughts .the pain of realization ,the solitude and the suffering to fulfill a vow had all intertwined and embossed itself in my subconscious ..i could feel the pressure at every breath ,never at peace ,never at a moment’s calm ,I was and I wasn’t ,I failed to understand.

College had started ,but my past bit into the pleasures of the present. the schedule was predetermined and static ,the monotony enough to freeze anyone’s creative intellect .The library was my only haven .at peace in solitude ,away from companionship, away from all I could imagine and conceive ,but still linked with a finesse beyond cognizance. Her bright illumination that introduced every leaflet now sprang into a moody dance. the fans rattled on ,its contrast with the inherent deepening silence intensifying ..i felt trapped ,clogged ,smothered in an envelope of diminished vicinity .

Uncertainty ,fear doubts brewed within ..sometimes crying out to run ,sometimes pleading to stay back.

I had to flee but from what ,and why? my foe was there and also wasn’t .my doubts at the casual glance of all who passed , the quite whispers of students along the hall ,following their pursuits being catered while blinded to the loner at the corner.

I sensed his presence ,yes and the hand that sprang from behind ,it stretched and swept across the page .i swirled and searched to get hold of him ..but I was surprised ,something knocked at my mind’s door – the hand ,the fingers and yes the black mole on the thumb- I swept the thought aside .i resolved it was now time to leave.

My thoughts remained on what I had seen as i climbed up the stairs ..i could feel the book supported in my grip ..thoughts hovered but realization hid a couple of steps cleared and the door towards the "journals room" emerged .the eerie aura of a past preserved in the leaflets for a future.. the thought discomforted and i felt something arouse. The closer i moved the more insecure i felt . I stopped ,but someone pushed me .

I jolted into the room -the force of my entry disturbing the settings. The shelves rocked ,the books shaked and my consciousness wavered .and then the repertoire of physical abuse ..first the blow at my face ,i saw the blood ooze out ,.and then my belly and my vitals were targeted by the blows. i shouted to be aware of my consciousness, I banged the racks down .no one heard a thing, nothing seemed to help. i was cold the sparks of pain pierced through me as my eyes scouted for the assaulter. it was the same hand -always striking from behind .

My strength drenched away ,an unwariness drowned me and i guess the assaulter sensed it too. the tensed arm and the hungry fingers turned towards me in a show of aggression -

Yes the scar on the little finger ,the mark of a vow , i recognized the hand - it was my very own ! but it was too late ,the body had failed me and i could but wait for my fate .

It shot out toward’s me . I never believed i had the power to kill -but now my prowess was evident .

There was no pause to think,no pause to worry . Your prayers are all i remember.

Your ever blooming love is all I shall ever reminisce to eternity.

Forgive me mother for being the flower that caused pain .I am to blame for my own

A flower bloomed ,
upon a mother’s love and pain
which for a moments recline ,
bent towards the shadow along the incline..
but for the pain she had caused ,
her scent ceased to be sensed ,
as she faded ,…and faded
into herself
into her own shadow..

Enveloped Enlightenment

Ahead rose the wall of impenetrable woods
an imporosity shrouding all that lay within
nurturing a darkness that evolved from within,
Was there a soul ? was there anything ? or
Was there nothing at all ?

My path pierced through its vast expanse
A narrow streamlet into an oceanic unknown
Thoughts harbored in an open precinct
with a periphery of dark unassuming limbo

Either i starved in solitude or I moved..
ahead into the unwelcoming haven .

I should move ..No, hold on ..
The darkness intimidates ,the stagnance invites
though the open spaces promises nothing .
I decided this was the ultimate effort ..
Elves sliding into hidden burrows ,
Serpents slithering amongst the growth ,
Poison flushing from their fangs
Dementors scavenging alongside ogres .
Yes ,the vacuum ,the evanescent forms,
and the hallucinative aura
preyed out from within ,
shuddering droplets of sweat ‘n cold.

Firm steps of a decided mind
Diluted amongst a wavering solicitude
become slower and fainter ,as I reached
the terminus of peace and the domain of fear .
my heart stopped ,a moment’s stagnance in a frozen time .

And then the fire burst out ..
The desperate call of a fleeing prey
Embossed in my mortal being
The timberland enveloped my momentary sprint

And then there was light!!

A vast expanse ,a florid poetry, fluid and sublime,
vibrant and majestic -a promise of angelic abode
I stand amazed ,the past non-existent and oblivious .
A moment’s embarrassment and then a sense of enlightenment –
the dark density ,the sturdy wall ,the overpowering fear ,
Were they mere illusions of an infirm mind.

<"The description is a symbolic presentation of how men have certain boundaries built up in the psyche-walls that prevent hime from exploring the unknown and even opposing his sincere efforts to perceive the truth.The mind is the source of fear and anxiety .It only takes a little determination, perseverent efforts and deep thought to perceive these self imposed boundaries - to enable sheer enlightenment and the bliss of Knowledge ">

Destiny's game

The streets to Malika Nagar was ever habituated by the local rush of homeless children and destitutes. Being one of the plentiful streets that marked the exotic design of the town with a central garden and streets radiating from its periphery.MayankPark ,the local park was large and green and was by its own design a welcome to all as a home and social resort. But this superficial beauty was jut the silver lining of an often unattended or even consciously ignored dark cloud .The periphery of the round ,neared the streets that slithered out channeling out its navigability to allure all from beyond towards this inner core like a well knitted cobweb with an ulterior motive to entrap every speck of dust,water and being that came across it. It had an unassuming peace and calm enveloping it that served as both a camouflage for a hidden trap, as well as a cocoon to protect everyone within its enchantment.

Vedant was one among the innumerable rustic brats that loitered around the streets from morn to dusk at every instance of freedom grabbed from an enforced domestic responsibility. it was true, he was different, he had a home ,a mother(-in-law),an abominably drunken dad and yes ,an extremely loving younger sister sister,Maya. Vedant and Maya were the only names he bothered to ever

remember with respect to his family. The former to assure himself that he was an existential living unit with dignity and self respect, and the latter for the Love that she symbolized-the only thing that touched and moved him at the heart,

an emotion and bonding that he nurtured for its pristine purity.

Home was for him a quagmire of distress and deprivation. It was in the lap of the world ,the gifts of nature that he found solace-her beauty always radiating hope for a blissful existence .while mother was always at loggerheads with him

fueled by and inherent hatred for the kids from another woman’s womb. While he was the one to be perpetually harmed by the physical abuses,it was Maya's physical and emotional distress that pained him the most.

Pranav was his only mate beyond his four walls ,always there to listen and to reassure of the pleasure of having a family. Himself being an orphan,a neglected and thrown away child precisely ,the word family struck a sacred intonation within him. Both liked to be away from home,together in the garden that always showed them a differnt world. They wandered the labyrinthine pathways trampled into the earth by man and who-knows-what. School was something they heard other kids in the garden excitingly talk about,it it was a mere fantasy for them .

"I just wish i could take Maya out of her misery,we both could actually runaway from our house and fend for ourselves."

At least our love shall help us sustain any difficulty than be hollowed out in under that sorceress!"

"But,Veda how can you just leave your family. Who will take care of our father and mother when you go?",questioned a distressed Pranav.

"I have no parents, and especially no one i care for".

At 10 years ,Veda wasn't a child any longer-the years of suppression at home had hardened his heart to all people except to Maya and Pranav.

The pain weighed itself on his youth.

It was always the feeling of a different existence inside the park that allured him, but the thought of the family always held him back. But now ,he had faced enough and couldn't bear the grief that Maya was put through. Maya had accidentally dropped a pot of sugar .and that was enough to arouse the devil’s anger in his mother. "You little wretch, do u know how much that is worth. What does it matter to you if the whole family is starved."

Into the outer kitchen she dragged the frightened lass and burnt her palm with a red hot iron rod.Vedant couldn't bear it anymore ,the tyranny had to be stopped.The nearest weapon he could grasp was a solid brick which he thrust at his mother.The power of his throw anmazed him,and the swiftness of the brick even enchanted him as it wreck the skull of his mother,

forcing out blood and an excruciating yell.He ran out into the open,following the path of a street that he felt within him,

towards teh green that promised him of peace.

The insecurity at home metamorphed into distress and emotional instability beyond it.Pranav,who couldn't bear to see Ved's grief,joined him on the ground.Life wasnt' as easy as it had seemed earlier..true when watched superficially everyone was happy,enjoyed each others companionship, and the people flocked over there were at best civil. But,for the homeless ,the uncared for ,it was life at its hardest..there was just no means of self-sustenance with dignity.

Separation from Maya hurt him immensely. He did take the opportunity to once in a while creep over to his house ,to just glance how she was doing..

And with every attempt he began to despise himself all the more--for at every attempt he understood how helpless he was ,as he couldn't help her out.

Her tears simultaneously hurt him and angered him. The sorceress still ruled with a greater acrimony than before. His disapproval of himself led him to move farther from the house,to an extent he even stopped coming back.

As the months ,he got cocooned in the culture of smoking grass, thievery, and all sort of evil and good to find a means of survival and entertainment. And it was here that he realized how he was as much of a slave as the lot of 'white slaves' that had been growing there. Though he hadn't ever visited the place before it did lure him so .However the thought of having a sister whom he loved so much ,dissuaded him from even approaching the place.

He had lost track of the times since he had moved to the new "Home" and now he decided to return to meet Maya..

The street felt familiar but withdrawn and recoiled with the very touch of his feet. His steps slowed as he reached the house, and now as he peeped through the window, only thing that he saw was a house with no life in it..They had moved, perished or even just vanished.

"Maya!!Dear sister,forgive me." The grief was unbearable, only tears could further express his emotions. The only solace was that the ground had accepted his tears in pity.

And ,now as he moved into the park..the only thought that repeated in his mind was-“Slaves”. He cruised through the cluster of destitute 'n slaves to finally accost a fair lass curled up on th bench ..

The thought struck him that they were slaves who sold their bodies for wealth and he was a slave who sold his life for nothingness.. The lass was sighing with her face down.."Dear lass,do look up?It hurts to see your beauty hidden away !",asked Ved in a soothing voice..

The face turned -a plain smile,a familiar face - a distraught Maya.