Shadow of Self

As the last rays of a wonderful day slowly shied away below the horizon ,the darkness approached to override the kingdom ,armed and decorated with a cloak of sodden and thundering clouds blowing the war cry of an advancing monsoon.the creatures of a season spurred to a new life by the scent of nature’s elixir and sang in praise of a darkness that pleased beyond what the light could ever do .life and love erupted from every niche of the field and I knew it had to be today and it had been long since due.

The ancestral home at the side of the temple .A neighbourheed scented with the spirit of peace and mutual dependence .Time had flowed and a lot had changed. Circumstances had touched our lives –too deeply to make life a struggle .it hurt more when I realized I might have been the cause of this change.

There she was ,as usual, welcoming the hours after dusk in solitude with a a butrning candle and a prayer – a prayer for the truth and for a moment of solace. She knelt on the floor facing the flame staring hard searching deep within and absorbed with what destingy had let her suffer. Her grief ,her sorrow and her pain had drenched the love for life from her, and ever since that event it dripped away into nothingness. She was losing something that I once harboured but lost out to the pangs of misery. I had been in hiding with the guilt ever building ,but I could bear it no more ..her prayers had to be answered.

The flame of solace, atop the steady wick ,danced the tandvana ,encasing the panoply of thoughts in an unforgiving stagnance .the mind was focused and I moved in .The gold evolved into a dazzling whiteness ..from a specfk to a splendid inferno burning into a hurt consciousness. The light blinded ,dazzled and exploded in unison with the lightning outside –she fell upon her knees. I knew she had transited.

The moment couldn’t have been worse than this . hostel life, moments during the final schooling years , I hate to recollect ..pangs of discontent that bit into my being scarring the person I knew before and whom I cant’ recognize any longer. My existence was broken ..living lives in two worlds ,the link between ever narrowing to a void .And now I was even more conscious of the inevitable.

I stayed both away from and near my family in space, time and in thoughts .the pain of realization ,the solitude and the suffering to fulfill a vow had all intertwined and embossed itself in my subconscious ..i could feel the pressure at every breath ,never at peace ,never at a moment’s calm ,I was and I wasn’t ,I failed to understand.

College had started ,but my past bit into the pleasures of the present. the schedule was predetermined and static ,the monotony enough to freeze anyone’s creative intellect .The library was my only haven .at peace in solitude ,away from companionship, away from all I could imagine and conceive ,but still linked with a finesse beyond cognizance. Her bright illumination that introduced every leaflet now sprang into a moody dance. the fans rattled on ,its contrast with the inherent deepening silence intensifying ..i felt trapped ,clogged ,smothered in an envelope of diminished vicinity .

Uncertainty ,fear doubts brewed within ..sometimes crying out to run ,sometimes pleading to stay back.

I had to flee but from what ,and why? my foe was there and also wasn’t .my doubts at the casual glance of all who passed , the quite whispers of students along the hall ,following their pursuits being catered while blinded to the loner at the corner.

I sensed his presence ,yes and the hand that sprang from behind ,it stretched and swept across the page .i swirled and searched to get hold of him ..but I was surprised ,something knocked at my mind’s door – the hand ,the fingers and yes the black mole on the thumb- I swept the thought aside .i resolved it was now time to leave.

My thoughts remained on what I had seen as i climbed up the stairs ..i could feel the book supported in my grip ..thoughts hovered but realization hid a couple of steps cleared and the door towards the "journals room" emerged .the eerie aura of a past preserved in the leaflets for a future.. the thought discomforted and i felt something arouse. The closer i moved the more insecure i felt . I stopped ,but someone pushed me .

I jolted into the room -the force of my entry disturbing the settings. The shelves rocked ,the books shaked and my consciousness wavered .and then the repertoire of physical abuse ..first the blow at my face ,i saw the blood ooze out ,.and then my belly and my vitals were targeted by the blows. i shouted to be aware of my consciousness, I banged the racks down .no one heard a thing, nothing seemed to help. i was cold the sparks of pain pierced through me as my eyes scouted for the assaulter. it was the same hand -always striking from behind .

My strength drenched away ,an unwariness drowned me and i guess the assaulter sensed it too. the tensed arm and the hungry fingers turned towards me in a show of aggression -

Yes the scar on the little finger ,the mark of a vow , i recognized the hand - it was my very own ! but it was too late ,the body had failed me and i could but wait for my fate .

It shot out toward’s me . I never believed i had the power to kill -but now my prowess was evident .

There was no pause to think,no pause to worry . Your prayers are all i remember.

Your ever blooming love is all I shall ever reminisce to eternity.

Forgive me mother for being the flower that caused pain .I am to blame for my own

A flower bloomed ,
upon a mother’s love and pain
which for a moments recline ,
bent towards the shadow along the incline..
but for the pain she had caused ,
her scent ceased to be sensed ,
as she faded ,…and faded
into herself
into her own shadow..